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What the Fuck is Emo?
A Treatise on Trends
Remember when you saw your first Goth,
or your first Punk? Remember when you first heard a Goth say, "I am not
a Goth."? By now, Goth is well and truly passe, but don't shed a tear
just yet. The next subculture of choice has been on the rise for a few years,
and you've seen the word around now and again. It's Emo, and it's brooding
and peppy!
The Emo Kids already have their style picked out, too
- horn-rimmed glasses and a work shirt. I know what you're saying -
"How can I possibly take a subculture seriously when it has the fasion sense
of the lead singer of Weezer?" Well, don't worry, because you can't.
You can't take Emo seriously because Emo has already stepped
down the Dark Path of Goth. First of all, let me disperse a myth that has gone
on for a decade or so - there's no such thing as Goth music. Don't let anyone
tell you that there is. There are bands who claim to be "Goth Industrial"
or "Goth Punk," but they're easily delusional or fucking lying. There are
certainly Goth favored musical styles - industrial, some metal and a mix
of ecclectic club or house music, but there is no Goth genre of music. At
its very best, Goth is style of person, and a poorly defined one at that.
(By the way - if you show this article to some scenester
who's got his fix on this scene of music or that, he's going to immediately
spin a huge yarn about the derivation of his favorite musical style, and it's
basically going to sound like the pile of bullshit it is. Here's the secret,
kiddies - music isn't like genetics. There are no direct parents, no dominant
and recessive traits, and even Mendel couldn't make a clean definition of what
Emo is. By now, your friend is rambling about intense vocals and driving guitar
riffs. Point and laugh.)
Everyone has an idea of what Goth means, but they rarely
have more than a passing commonality. An ex-girlfriend's dad once thought I
was Goth because I wore a black trenchcoat. "No," I explained. "I'm not a
Goth. I'm a flasher." Trust me - most of your parents would think you were
going Goth if they saw you wearing a black turtleneck and a beret, snapping
along to "Howl" by Ginsberg. No one knows what a Goth is for certain,
not even the Goths.
The second and arguably more important reason is that
no one ever really wants to be Goth. I call this the
Jin Wicked Phenomena."
Somehow, over the decades, the lifespan of a subculture has become shorter
and shorter before the subculture is declared dead and no one wants to be
a part of it anymore. Then, it lives on as a Zombie Subculture for another decade
or more. For Goth, the high time must have lasted about 10 minutes. Before I even
went to my first Goth club, it was already boring to be Goth. All the people at the
Goth club - which must have been named "Nocturne" or "Haven" or something
- were not Goth. They would attest to this when confronted. "Oh, no. Pshaw.
My young childe, I am no Goth! Nay, I say!" (Alright, they probably didn't
say it precisely like that.) I don't believe in Goths because the people
I think are Goth will deny being Goth, and the people who say they are Goth
are generally not worth teasing. An admission like that pretty much proves
that they've already lost in life.
If no one's a Goth, then where the Hell did we get this
word and this idea? Did Robert Smith - God bless his soul - telepathically
implant it in us sometime after the release of "Pornography"? The fact is
that anyone with a decent sense of current social standards knows what a
Goth is, and they can point one out on the street. Hell, I bet I'd get pointed
out 2 or 3 times out of 10, and that's a sacrafice I'm willing to make to
get our culture's subdivisions defined. I'd say that if 4 out of 5 dentists
agree that you're Goth, then you are. If you don't like it, put on a nice
blue cardigan.
The Emo Kids have one-upped the Goth Cookies, though.
It's already uncool to be Emo, and I'll bet you can't even name two Emo
bands. Sure, it's cool to have pouty lips and wear geeky glasses when you
have perfect eyesight, but it's definitely not cool to be Emo. And the Emo
Kids will cross their arms over their one-size-too-small,
late-70s-kitsch t-shirts and make wry, sarcastic smiles while they calmly
inform you that they're not Emo. Whatever. Nice sweater, Poindexter.
Even more entertaining is the poor definition of Emo music.
"Emo" is supposed to stand for "emotional." In case you haven't been listening
to music, "emotional" means fuckall in terms of musical content. Does this
mean that the majority of music does not involve or engender emotions? Beethoven
is going to be pissed when I tell him. For Fuck's sake, why not just name
you subculture "Soundies" and typify your music as "sound"? Then everyone
will dress like you and deny they have anything to do with your subculture.
No one can tell you what Emo music is. Ask somebody.
(Okay, now ask somebody who's not a 28 year old punk rocker turned Emo.)
They'll name some bands that have nothing to do with each other - neither sound,
nor lyrical content nor influences will match up. Someone else will give
you a different list. For extra fun, ask different clerks at the same music
store. If they're not to busy condescending to you, they will probably point
you in opposite directions (although I'd beware of prepared Emo speeches
from store clerks. I'm sure they exist.) The most consistent list of Emo
bands I've heard consisted of precisely 12 bands. To add any more, you have
to include bands who made one album before breaking up, and it's only available
on vinyl.
I find it equally hilarious that every mainstream band in
the nation that has been confronted with the Emo tag has denied it. At least
bands would claim to be Goth, even if it was meaningless. But you
won't hear a lead singer say, "We're kind of a mix of Emo and Thrash Klezmer."
- not unless you paid $5 to see the show in the basement of a bar.
We're all so desperate to define ourselves with words
and terms that we deny any labels that other people put on us. But let's
face it - the way people see us is a big part of who we are, even if we don't
like it. We feel enslaved by labels, but basically - with or without labels
- people are going to judge us regardless.
So I say fuck it. I'm making my own subculture. We're
going to take the name "Soundies" and when people ask us what kind of music
we listen to, we'll reply, "Y'know. I like stuff with like, sounds... different
sounds, y'know?" We'll wear pocket t-shirts and have long, well-kept hair.
And let me be the first to say, "I am not a Soundie."
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